Bumped

Julia Roberts [The Late Show with David Letterman; 03.17.09]: Ok, ok—I will watch Notting Hill. Fallon: notebook time. A [video]

Paris Hilton [The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson; 03.03.09]: It’s really all about the belt, when you think about it. Or when you don’t think about it. B+

Lil Wayne [Late Show with David Letterman, 02.05.09]: Pause! [video] A

Dustin Hoffman [Late Show with David Letterman, 12.22.08]: Stories get a bad rap because they’re the default. “Hey, got any stories?” “Got any kids? “Got any stories about kids?” are questions prep people ask famous actors and actresses who don’t know how to tell stories. I’m not sure if that’s a great job (I’m thinking Garofalo on Larry Sanders), but I’d like to try it for a week. Anyway, I’m sure Hoffman was prepped but the guy’s got stories. Real ones. Three segments worth. How long has he waited to tell the yarn about putting some 3 in a Dusty/Duvall sandwich in a shower on 109th 50 years ago? New to me. Did I mention the man is 71?! Incredible. (Letterman’s right about the Hoffman/Duvall/Hackman tell-all, too—publishers make note.) Jose Ferrer/Tootsie is gold, clearly. And he’s so relaxed, as if these are just a few of thousands of Hollywood tales he’s got hidden away, ready to be spontaneously remembered at some time or another. Looking at IMDB, Hoffman’s been on Letterman three times total. An injustice. A [clip/full episode]

Kate Winslet [The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 12.15.08]: Hey Movie Star, I would like to thank you for keeping the camera off Jay. Was just discussing this with some terrible Scene It? player—why no comedies for Kate? She’s got the timing, get-go and accents (Trinidadian in-laws! fussy daughter! delusional son!) to pull it off. Let me repeat: even the kid stories fly. Kate Winslet’s toddlers are so much cooler than me it’s sickening. A- [video]

Bon Iver [Late Show with David Letterman, 12.11.08]: Just realized Mr. Brawny made the record Timberlake thinks he can make with Rick Rubin. Plus, he’s trying AutoTune and multiple dudes hitting drums at the same time? Heartbreak it is, then. A- [video]

Zooey Deschanel [Jimmy Kimmel Live!, 12.11.08]: I feel like it’s my Tumblr duty to write about this Zooey appearance. I also feel like I may get banned from Tumblr for pointing out it wasn’t great. (I feel a lot.) Is this the Zooey tipping back point? The fuck no sharks moment? I saw The Happening. I don’t want to see Yes Man (though the clip here is a highlight). Is it sexist to note her biggest and best cultural mark this year was made with Him? Hope not. Sure, she’s close to normal. But there’s such a thing as too close to normal, i.e., cute; the end. Is she purposely trying to kill all the Tumblr stalkerism with that prom dress and Hot Topic-combo ribbonwear? If so, kudos. If not, 500 Days of Summer better not suck. C [video]

Mike Huckabee [The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, 12.09.08]: With all the talk of Jay and 10 p.m. and spanking new ideas like JayTalkers and replacing the band with Rock-afire Explosion, I’m thinking about Jon Stewart. Mostly because I tried to watch The Tonight Show yesterday and couldn’t. The Daily Show is still the most consistently funny late night show (granted: lead is dwindling post-election). But if Jon was to take over The Late Show in 2010 (or 2012), he would need to talk to stars. Jon is not good at talking to stars: inside joke, Big Daddy joke, awkwardly laughing at something the star said that’s not funny, out. The best Daily Show interviews are the confrontational ones, where Jon can barely look the guest in the eye as if to say, “I know this is a fun show and maybe you didn’t expect this but I really hate your book/politics/sense of self and I don’t feel like hiding it, sorry.” This Mike Huckabee interview was one of those.

Huckabee is promoting a book all about how people should be nice to each other. And he doesn’t think gay people should have the right to get married. This is a conflict that Huckabee doesn’t acknowledge, but it bothers Jon Stewart. A lot. “At what age did you decide not to be gay?” isn’t an applause line, really. It’s a shake-some-sense line. And I can see why Jon’s  pressing here—Huckabee seems like a decent guy who can understand reason. “Seems” being the keyword. It’s sad how Huckabee is totally oblivious to the fact that he’s on the wrong side of history, and I think Jon wanted to plant that seed, basically. If so, he did a good, polite job. The preaching to the choir aspect was (relatively) muted. And, of course, Huckabee’s game. It was just uncomfortable enough. But this can’t be his go-to schitck for 11:30 on a network. Dave claims to be dumb, but it’s only half true; his intelligence lies in experience, and he makes it work. Jon is more of a nerd. Which is great. For Comedy Central. At 11. Elsewhere? Not so great. A-

Kristen Stewart [Late Show with David Letterman, 11.20.08]: Now that Kristen Stewart’s I Can’t Believe You Just Asked Me That Question I’m Going to Touch My Hair Now Twilight condescend-a-palooza press tour is nearing its end, an assessment is necessary. Make no mistake: Kristen is a brat. She’s not as smart as she thinks she is but, weirdly, she kinda knows this—in fact, you can see her come to terms with her own ignorance during some of her recent TV stops. To watch a borderline fool squint with suffer-no-fools resentment is awkward yet captivating, it turns out.

Kristen always hated N’Sync. You can tell. She’s like The Dakota Fanning Show all grown up and with a cool leather jacket. Somehow, she didn’t realize the Hot Topic X Excavated Housewife X OMG New Bonus Jonas Pix! nature of Twilight’s fanbase until she started doing press for the film. Her loss; our gain. Her appearance on The Today Show was a magnificent display of self-loathing gone wild—talking to her co-star like an extra and ripping YouTube commenters all withing a five minute span. The dumber the audience, the better (worse?) she comes across. So her Access Hollywood chat may be her most convincing performance to date (I still haven’t seen Twilight). When she responds to a “you’re so beautiful!” with a “so are you” the subtext is screaming: “I am more beautiful than you so quit the horseshit.” And the Acting 101 lesson at the 1:15 mark nearly got Ms. Hollywood to flash nails, I swear. (Also worth noting: Kristen bitching out TMZ’s C-team while her boyfriend pretends to be famous.)

But she’s not supposed to be smarter than Letterman, so her Late Show sit was destined to be an intense failure. After answering the same questions for weeks, Letterman asked her the same questions—but he was able to twist them ever so slightly, ruining her already-way-stilted rhythm. Cringe after cringe. “Oh, wow, she just went for the ‘I’m so boring’ … on Letterman. Wow.” Ugly stuff that no amount of hair tossing could prettify (she’ll try, though). They better work the guest spots into her Twilight 2 contract, because she’s about to vomit at the thought of a couch at this point. D